I enjoy the background on this thing.

Not a huge fan of the formatting anymore, the rest of the style lacks some utility that would be helpful.

I got a lot of garbage out of my head, here.

It's a fascinating dive into a person I haven't been for a very long time.

Maybe I never was that person. It's always been hard to tell.

What's there to update?

I have sleep apnea. Odds are good it has been the source of my most severe depression symptoms.

I've had two surgeries to try and alleviate it. Both helped the physical issues, but it seems my brain is determined to just...not breathe, sometimes, at night.

There's a machine for that, so I sleep with a vader mask now. Cool, huh?

Only it's difficult to keep at it, so I lapse a lot.

The way things are looking, the remainder of my depression symptoms probably stemmed from untreated ADHD - or, more concisely put, inattentive-type ADD.

Who'd've fucking thought.

I still am not sure I believe it, but the meds help in ways anti-depressants never did.

I still linger far too often on memories that are painful to hold.
I still haven't graduated college, though I'm actually making real progress for the first time in longer than I want to consider.
I have a pretty stable group of friends, and I'm doing my best to open up to them. That's one hell of a trip. Old me wouldn't dare.
I've accepted my role in a certain kink, and that has led to some really fantastic things. But that's not suitable for this blog, so we're leaving it at that.

Mom hasn't been able to walk since her knee replacement. It was supposed to alleviate the pain.
That was five years ago, maybe six? I have been trying to find time or money to remodel the house to compensate for her walker/wheelchair...maybe it's time to swallow my pride and start a gofundme. It kills me to watch.

I have serious relationships, somehow, and I'm not wasting away terrified they'll spontaneously abandon me. Again, old me wouldn't dare.

Which is not to say I don't have my issues. I'm here again, aren't I? Musing into the void?

Part of me hopes somebody will read it, part of me dreads that. There are so many of my friends who were left by the wayside because I didn't know how to hold on to them when I needed.

I rediscovered my livejournal, thanks to the efforts of some very strangely motivated hackers. Password breach on myspace and livejournal? What year is it, right?

That was bittersweet, let me tell you. I used to wax poetic about some asinine shit.
But there are so many reminders of those I've lost. Kat, Megan, Whitney, Sara...their pages are still there, like unwitting gravestones strewn across the digital world. The bits left are random, and it lends the whole thing a kind of macabre humor. Not the funny sort, mind you, but there's something to be said about the way the words of the dead linger online in unexpected ways.

I've moved to doing all of my "blogging" via twitter, nowadays. Scattering my thoughts into the uncaring winds of the internet in a more piecemeal fashion. It seems safer than meandering through the dusty, forgotten, crumbling pathways of my own memories like this.

CrTrainwreck, if anybody gives a shit. Hell, -I- forgot this thing was still around.

I've been cleaning and organizing my stuff in a meaningful way, for once in my life. That's another trip down memory lane, in different ways. I had two lives for a really long time, it turns out.
I still do, in a way. It doesn't feel as disjointed, though. I don't feel like delving into honest words is disingenuous anymore. I don't question my own motivations. I have my secrets, like anyone, and that's okay.

I have, for lack of better phrasing, come to terms with who I am.

I have not, however, figured out what the fuck I want to do about it.

Hello again.

-C