Habits and Promises

I've gotten into some pretty bad habits in my life.
One of the worst, at least at this particular juncture, is writing when I want to rather than when I need to.
Yeah, there's a difference. Anna Nalick rather nicely states it in a song, "2am and I'm still awake writing a song. If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to."




I'll leave it at that.
So bear with me. I'm going to try to break that habit, and it's going to result in even more disjointed chaos than I'm typically spewing here. I'll do my best to translate.

I'd like to think I'm fairly good at that, you know. I pride myself on my ability to manipulate language to phrase things in a way that makes them clear to people, regardless of audience.
I've always had to be that way, though. There's no other way to express some of the things floating around in my head.

No other way but music, and I neglect practice as much as I neglect writing. Multiple bad habits broken with one stone? We'll see.

Anyway, the reality of being intelligent is often that you are left unable to say things.
Don't misunderstand, I don't mean there are emotions holding me back. That is much less frustrating.

Heh, I'll stick with the theme of quoting for now. Numbers has a nice line on the topic.
"Sometimes the things in my head are just so purely what they are that there are no words for them, or if there are I can't find them. You don't know what that's like."

I've made the point before that I hate writing sometimes. It feels like I'm a voyeur, trying to capture my own thoughts in their natural state; because thoughts, like people, behave differently when someone is looking. I think the point stands, especially right now.

I feel like I've got nothing to say, and that's not anywhere near true. I've got volumes of ideas bearing down on me like a freight train, and it's too late to jump.

All that said, look for more updates. Random topics, themes, ideas, probably a fair amount of introspection that's hard to understand. I've started trying to tag these posts so they are a bit easier to navigate...but I make no promises.

I've never liked making promises. People don't understand what "always" means, even when they say it. There's this habit of using words too big for the situation. "Don't say infinitely when you really mean only big. Then you'll have no words left to describe something truly infinite."

That's C.S. Lewis, if memory serves. It might not, and I don't vouch for the integrity of my own quotes. I do the best I can; this is not meant to be an encyclopedia or some sort of reference.

But people do it anyway - use words too big for the situation, that is - especially when relationships and feelings are involved. Feelings have a way of seeming much bigger and more important than they are.

So I'll make a promise (and I'm sure I've said this before) that includes something like "always."
I mean always. I don't mean for awhile, or a long time, or until things change. I mean always. With a kind of solidarity to it that you no longer see in people. Our culture thrives so much on instant gratification that we've all but forgotten the value of standing behind our promises. We pick things up and put them down so quickly that we can hardly expect to appreciate the value of them.

But that's a discussion for another time. Point is, I hate making promises and there's too much in my head for these blogs to be very organized for awhile. I am, however, recognizing that I need to get this stuff out. Try and keep up, or don't...this isn't really for you, is it?

- C