Perception and Insanity

Here we are again with the introspection.
I know, I know, you're here for the insight and the knowledge and the eloquent way with the turn of a phrase. But you can't always have that. It is my mind, after all.



At least I think it is. I've begun having doubts lately.
There are thoughts and bits floating around in my head that do not belong to me, should not belong to me. More often than not lately it feels like I'm waking up and living someone else's life. It's not mine, that's for sure.

I'm a prisoner in my own head, and that doesn't seem right.
My ability to express my thoughts is twisted. The words are wrong, or the thoughts are wrong.
The truth doesn't match the feeling, so is the feeling wrong or the truth false?

I've had these moments of confusion before, usually in the mornings. Once in awhile it feels like time gets compressed into a little ball, and all the experiences of the day pass by in a moment. I chalk it up to the brain going into overdrive for a second.
Those moments are okay. Gives me a headache, and then I shake it off and move on.

This...this has been going on for awhile. Weeks, months, years...I don't know anymore.
I feel like I'll reach out a little bit, and then sink into a nearly catatonic state for days.
At least it looks catatonic from the outside. Not much in the way of action, communication...no, it's all thought.

Too much thought. Things become boring, stale, bland. Things that I like, know, even love.
I don't want to talk to people because I already know what they're going to say, how they'll behave. The details change, but the synopsis is something I've read before.

On the one hand, it's nice to crave change, strive for something newer and better than the present.
On the other...I am not that cynical. I am not the person who abandons their friends in favor of excitement. I do not avoid people because I feel bored...I seek them out for that reason.

But lately I have been that person. In my mind, I'm protecting them from all the dark and bitter shit in my head.
Is that reality, or am I justifying it so I don't feel like I'm becoming that person?
I've been afraid of it all my life. Fear can drive people to ignore reality.

I need help, I imagine. I need to write and practice and talk and be the person I am. Not the person I could become, and don't want to be. I can be better than that. I am better than that.

Thing is, how can you trust anything when it feels like your own mind is betraying you?

- C