Not for you

I woke up this morning with a song in my head.

It isn't a song I can name, because it hasn't been written. Because I haven't written it.
I didn't have time, before I had to leave today, to sit at my piano and get the basic gist of it down so I could write it later.



I never have time. Now the song is gone - I could try and get it back, but it's just fragments and echoes...the heart of it is gone.

I hate that feeling. Knowing that you were supposed to do something and didn't manage it.

I hate that I haven't graduated yet, haven't gotten an internship yet.
I hate it more, knowing that it's my fault.

Don't get me wrong, I'm being treated for depression. It is working. It is helping.
But I'm presently stranded in the limbo that results from being well enough to recognize how fucked up I've been...but not well enough to quite claw my way out yet.

It's a horrid feeling, being trapped inside your own head. Watching yourself do things that don't make sense to you, that aren't things you'd do.
I've said as much before, but I haven't felt it so vividly in awhile.

The best and worst part is that if you don't really know what to look for, you'd never see it at all.
I am a world-class liar. I can wrap up my problems and failures in a veritable armor of falsehoods and walk around as if nothing is the matter.

Hell, I've only been doing it for about a decade.
I won't lie for the sake of another, but for my own? Yeah, and it needs to stop.

Am I there yet? I'd like to say yes, but that wouldn't be true either.
I'd like to turn this into something that sounds motivated, but it would be false.

I'm tired of things that are not true, in my life. I'm tired of carrying the weight of all the bullshit in my head.

I want truth. Nothing else.
Even love can wait, even hope.

- C