Insanity For My Own Benefit

I have had some really, really great teachers in my life.
If you asked me, these days, what it is that they saw in me, I probably couldn't tell you. Not anymore.
Is it something in my eyes, or wrapped up in my writing? Is there an element to me that stands out, and I've just gotten used to it?




Whatever it is, I have to be grateful. So many people are never taught to question.
I should be clear - I mean that the standard way of educating is essentially the same as slitting the throat of creativity. This is the way it was done, this is the way you will learn to do it. There is not other relevant way.

To say that is wrong is an understatement I am unwilling to make.

Science thus far has done a wonderful job of providing us with a series of answers to "What?"
Gravity, microbes, light, electricity, heat, viruses, radiation...all these things create multiple areas of study that can easily consume lifetimes.
But that was never enough for me, and these great teachers of mine never -let- it be enough.
The study of a single field cannot answer the questions that are important to me - question, really. Why?

It is not enough to say a thing exists. The question must always be why. What ties it together with everything else?

I think this is why I, a Christian, often find myself in agreement with atheists. Their lack of belief in God does not disturb me nearly so much as a belief in God without reason, without question, without understanding. It is not as dangerous, either.

Sometime this week, I was studying and something woke up inside me. I had nearly forgotten about it, after all this time playing mediocre. It's this relentless need for answers. I turned it immediately on one of my professors, and something in his response hit home.
He didn't feel qualified to answer the question. He did not dismiss it. He encouraged it, and pointed at other resources. More importantly he, as all of these teachers of mine before him, told me to figure it out myself if necessary.

I let that part of my curiosity die, some time ago. I lacked the means to research, and eventually the desire died along with it.
That was a mistake, and can unarguably be said to have ruined my life to some degree.
I'll grant that my social life is not hurting, and I'm comfortable with my distractions...but to lose purpose, lose focus like that? It was so much more crippling than I realized.

But that's done.

For the sake of making this curiosity more clear, this is how it works.

"This is something in the world that is broken."
"Well, it seems like if you tried this..."
"That wouldn't work." "That hasn't been done." "That didn't help because of this..."
"Why not?"
"What do you mean? It can't be done that way."
"Why not?"
"It just can't, you can't fix this."
"We'll see."

Why hello again, autoimmune and point-mutation disorders. I'm back. It's time to dance.
I'm ready. What about you?

- C